Tony Goes Queer

This is the first entry of my blog in these eight months, for which I feel very sorry due to my own laziness of not taking pains of writing in English. During the period I have been through a lot of happy and difficult moments of life. At the end of last year, for example, I finally obtained a new place of my own (so-called mansion in Japanese) though I bear a long time payments of loans at the same time. since last September, I have been seeing a twenty-year-old boy who is planning to study architecture at university. Yesterdy I went on a picnic under cherry blossoms in Sinjuku Gyoen with him. Our relationship goes very well at present. In terms of profession, I successfully completed two quite important tasks as chief of both this fiscal year that ends today. For the coming year I will be a sort of director of the department I belong to. Seeing the negative side, on the other hand, my mother seems to start her second childhood just as her younger sister who is now living in a nursing home. This is one of my biggest concerns now. One of my colleagues passed away last summer after suffering from his chronic respiratory disease, which turned out to be the third death in my work place these four years. Anyway, I will survive the coming new year despite the expected busyness.

Last month I broke up with the guy I was seeing these few months. We found we could not get along with each other very well. So I stopped seeing him. He tried to contact me, but I refused. That's all. Everything is over now. This was another three-month love affair for me. I do not know why, but somehow I cannot overcome this bad habit lately. Frankly, I kind of do not hope to find someone to live with for a long time any more, which I feel terribly sorry for. All I can do now is just bide my time.

Is he a boyfriend?
I have been seeing a guy for more than three months. He says he likes me and enjoys seeing me. He was so straight-forward that he told me his name, age, address, and hometown by showing me a copy of his driver's lisence on the second meeting. Even though he had a boyfriend then, he quickly confessed to the man that he liked and wanted to see me. He even shaved his head because I am very fond of shaved guys, which really overwhelmed me. However, I have not even told him anything socially important yet. In reality, this does not hinder our relationships. We can contact each other by telephone; he calls me almost every night. I believe we enjoy and appreciate our relationships very much though we do not call ourselves lovers and I sometimes wonder what he is to me.

I can't believe that two months have passed since the new year began. I feel a little disappointed to find that I haven't really done anything very meaningful in my public and private life. I know I have to push myself hard.

Last weekend I went to Hiroshima and Hakata. There I joined two live shows by Kosuke Atari, one of my favorite singers today. The shows were both part of FM radio programs and free though I spent a fortune to visit the cities. They are the first live performances I have attended this year and I had a very good time listening/watching the shows and also socializing with other fans from the neighborhood. In addition, to my big surprise, the singer referred to his fans in his MC talk pointing to me on the stage in Hakata, which actually moved me a lot.

Another thing to remember is that I met one of my ex boyfriends in Hakata. I tried to get in touch with him though I had not really planned to beforehand. I had been a little mad at him because he had done a couple of inconsiderate/rude things to me before and after we broke up. Since then I had not even answered his mails. Once I entered the city, however, I recalled my sweet days I had spent with him and also imagined the hardships I knew he was going through lately. I sent him a mail saying I was in the city and wanted to see him. He agreed. And we met. Then, suprisingly, we went back to the good old relationships. I extended the stay for one more day and we spent the next day's afternoon together. This might be the best happening for me these few years. Now I am planning to visit him this summer again.

I have been leading a very busy life these few months mainly because of the job assignment specially given at this time of every year. It is a kind of recruiting new people which takes an extremely large amount of time and also the responsibility of which is huge to me though I secretly enjoy it as a chief of one of the sub-groups. The other reason is because I am parallelly dealing with another difficult task. The insititution I belong to is now engaged in a total reconstruction of its system and I am a member of the task force. The hardest part is that I have to reconsider the very work at the same time as I do it every day. It started before summer, but it has not developed so smoothly yet due to its tryal-and-error nature. The assignment will be due in early December. So we are now going into the last phase of the project. I expect the coming one month to be more hectic than the past two. Oh, good grief!

I watched a movie "Inside Man" yesterday.
I remember that I felt so sorry to miss the film this spring becasue I left New York on the very day it was released in America. In a taxi heading for JFK airport I was listening to Spike Lee who was at a promptional interview in a radio morning program. Three months later, I finally got to watch it. I am glad. Denzel Washington, one of my favorite actors, stars in it with Jodie Foster and Clive Owen. It is a story about a bank robbery, but, unusually enough, the robbers do not kill anyone or steal any money. Though the Afro-American director Spike Lee always makes very controversial movies on race, ethnicity, and history, this is not so directly political but very entertaining. That is all I want to say and nothing else. For me, however, it is more than that because of Denzel who is so sexy with his very closey cropped, almost shaved, hair. It is very appealing to me, as a skinhead fetishist. Jodie Foster is a type-cast; she plays the seemingly same role again here. Clive Owen? I have nothing to say. I enjoyed the movie, anyway.

The most shameful thing in history has happened. Tatsuhiko "Dragon" Kubo, one of my favorite succer players, was not selected as a member of Japan Team for World Cup 2006 in Germany. Although many people had believed he would surely be on the team, Jico, Team Manager, excluded him because of his recent bad physical conditions. We knew that he was not in his best condition, but we also knew that he had gained the largest number of goals among the prospective members. Who else deserves a representative but Kubo?
Not only we but also Kubo himself had believed that he would be chosen because Jico had suggested such things many times. I would call it a dirty betrayal. The day I heard the news, I could not stop crying and even now I still feel very sorry for him when I think of him and his disappointment. I feel my interest in WC getting less and less.
Kubo! I will be on your side forever.

In yesterday's Academy Awards, "Brokeback Mountain" lost the game. The film only received one Oscar in its director category; the courageous Chinese director Ang Lee. As Heath Ledger put it, F...... Hollywood! F...... Academy Awards! They have never recognized gay movies and gay people although a lot of queer people work inside the industory. Remember Monty! He never received the prize despite four times nominations.

I love Brokeback Mountain more than any other movie ever made. I support the movie at all costs on behalf of me and all the other gay people. This is one of the rarest films that can miraculously depict all the sorrow, loneliness, pains, bitterness as well as a secret happiness and joy of deeply loving somebody, especially, of the same sex. All the scenes, actions, and dialogues of the movie are so true. Recalling this and that from it, I still can not stop crying.

On St. Valentine's Day this year, Takarazuka Revue gave a special peformance only for heterosexual couples. They did not admit any same sexed couples. What a joke! When I heard this, I could not believe it. Do we live in the Meiji Era or Victorian Period? This is 21st century! Everyone knows that the company is composed of only female performers and the majority of the fans are women (and probably queer people). They come to the theater by themselves or in same sexed groups. Why did they have to be excluded? This was politically incorrect and unfair, maybe unconstitutional. Yes, it is true that most of their shows are seemingly based on the heterosexual myths or fantasy of such loves. I admit that. However, I have never heard any Broadway or other shows do such disgusting, unfair, and outdated things. Art and entertainment should be open to everyone. The company should be ashamed of themselves and reexamine their way of thinking. Otherwise, it would surely pay the penalty some day.

Now I am looking forward to watching one movie. It is called "Brokeback Mountain," which I hear is a tragic love story between two cowboys in America. Heath Ledger (a butch) and Jake Gyllenhaal (a pretty face) play the cowboys who fall in love though they both have wives. The film is so critically acclaimed and nominated for the upcoming Academy Awards in several categories including best film director, leading male actor, supporting male actor and supporting female actor as well as the best motion picture. Actually, it has already won some prizes in Golden Globe Awards and it is very likely to win a lot of Oscars though no gay movie has ever won the best film prize in the history of Academy Awards. I wish Brokeback Mountain will break such a shameful record this time. Another interesting thing to me is that a Chinese director, Ang Lee, who also directed the Wedding Banquet and Sense and Sensibility before, took the job, not any American counterparts such as Gus Van Sant who reportedly applied for the work first. The reason I wait for the film is because it seems more than fine as far as the reviews and other publicity articles are concerned. Another reason is that I like controversial things very much. In a sense Brokeback Mountain is so revolutionary as to portray a controvertial relationship between people considered to be very macho and conservative; cowboys working on ranches. Still another reason is that both actors are so cool. Gyllenhall is beautiful, of course. Ledger is also cute. Actually, I bought a January copy of Attitude, a British gay magazine, because of its interview with Ledger, who looks so sexy with the closely cropped hair and sounds so cool with nice comments on Hollywood.